Rambles in Shambles.

So, for some reason I had this thought.  I am feeling extremely lazy to do anything other than spill out feelings about something that I have been thinking about for a really long time now.  I have to be honest, I don't necessarily know if writing it down like this is going to immediately free my thoughts of angst or anger or take the weight off my shoulders, but hey it's worth a try.

I hadn't realized how much of an impact on me these thoughts have been lately but that's normally what happens when you keep something in for so long.  I have been friends with my best friend since I was 6, we are both 24 now.  This is 18 years.  This is a long ass time.  When you are friends with someone for that long of a time, you get to know them.  You know the ins and outs of your relationship together, you know the ins and outs of their romantic relationships and they know yours.  And that's the best thing about having such a strong bond right?  Sure there were ups and downs throughout all of our years as friends but guess what?  Would it even be a friendship if those things didn't happen?  No.

I can tell you right now that at one point, we had stopped talking for a year because I didn't support her in who she was dating.  In my honest opinion, I think that makes me an amazing friend.  I stood up to her and told her that dating him wasn't good for her, he wasn't going to make her a better person and he wasn't right for her.  She didn't respect my opinion and that was fine, we didn't talk for a year.  Like they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder and that's okay.  

I think part of realizing that was what made the friendship come back stronger than ever after a year of not even talking to each other the slightest bit.  When I had spoken to her for the first time on the phone, I found the same comfort that I did for the first length of years we had been friends.  It was like nothing changed a bit.  I didn't expect anything less because if you have a bond of that long, you don't break it.  Everything was fine and we scheduled time to get together and talk things over and we had both concluded that it was probably the best thing we had ever done.  I know that to this day, I certainly could not imagine my life without her.  

Fast forward a couple of years to a completely separate issue.  Sense she has been my friend since we were 6, she knows exactly what I have been through and so does her family.  I trusted her and her family with my life and I always counted on her mom as my mom.  It made me happy to know that I was able to have the connection of a mother in her being that I couldn't have that same connection with mine.  Through the years of the hardest struggles in my life I knew that there was always one place I could go to talk to someone that would be unbiased, truthful and strong.  I admired that quality so much in her and I think that's also a part of me today.  When you spend an allotted amount of time with someone, you start to have them rub off on you and that's why we are all such eclectic people.  

After Superstorm Sandy hit, my best friend and her family were at probably one of their lowest lows.  One of the saddest losses in my life aside from death, it was her childhood home.  Now for me to have emotions about the loss of her house, you know it was bad.  First of all, we had so many memories in that house, it was her home, my safe haven.  We used to crawl under the dining room table with hose toppers and pretend we lived on a desert island and the were our only water sources.  We used to sneak Luden's cough drops from the kitchen and eat them like they were candy.  We used to eat potato chips with ketchup, chocolate cake and sing Spice Girls together under that table.  

The memories are so nostalgic it's really unbelievable.  I relinqushed my thoughts at the time to another friend of mine and snarled back 'Brit, you guys are still friends, right?' and I said, 'Of course,' and he goes, 'Well then that's all that matters.'  I thought there was so much power in that.  I of course was distraught over the fact that we would never have that childhood house back but I knew moving forward there would be a brand new house somewhere else to create memories in and so quickly I became completely okay with it.  

She finally got into her new house and my dad went over to help out with some electrical problems they were initially having.  Apparently while he was there, the conversation arose about how eventually, I was going to need to have my mother in my life (whom I don't currently have a relationship with and haven't for years, she knows this).  My dad was completely shocked, told her specific instances about my situation with my mother and right after he had finished, my friends mother says, 'Oh my god, I had no idea it was anything like that.'

Given the history I just spelled out for you, you can probably assume that I was floored when I heard the conversation had taken place.  That actually takes me to where I am today and how I'm feeling about it.  This situation is what got me writing this blog post.  Partly because I want to know if anyone else has ever been in this situation and partly because I want people to know that things like this are out there and instances like this do happen.  Every once in a while, someone in your life that you thought you could trust, confide in, count on as a support system and call mom does you wrong.  I feel like because I have had this connected relationship for 16 years, It's very difficult for me to just get over.  I almost felt betrayed knowing that all of my darkest days that I spent crying to her because of things that were happening with my family went basically unrecorded.  How could she not remember them?

If you ever come across a similar situation, my recommendation would be this: hang in there.  I know this is so generic but it's completely true.  Lean on those in your life that you KNOW are there for you at that moment you need them.  Also remember that in the end, all you are going to have is yourself at the end of the day.  The thoughts racing through your head can only be heard by you if you don't let them out so if you want to talk about it, don't hold back. 

I'm wishing you happiness, warmth and love for the rest of the week!  How gorgeous was it today in NJ?  I was LOVING it.  I had my sunroof open and everything on the way home from work.  Thanks for reading todays completely random post.  Check back tomorrow and send me a tweet!  Xoxoxoxo!

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